G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is one of the most uninspired films I have seen in the past couple of years. Throughout the 118 minute showing I found myself constantly shaking my head and wanting to leave the theater. The beginning of the film was painfully slow while the end seemed to be a Star Wars rip-off with a horrible coat of paint. I wasn’t expecting a movie based on popular toys to be an Oscar winner but the film lacks almost any imagination. The action sequences are entertaining at points but they are few and far between and don’t save this disastrous mess of a movie.

The “Joes” are a multinational task force headed by Gen. Hawk (Dennis Quaid). These elite soldiers use weapons and technologies that would probably impress young boys playing with their toy counterparts, but are less amusing to everyone else.  They are at the whims of the United States government but yet they remain secretive as not even the president is fully aware of the secret project.

The first part of the movie is almost unbearable to watch because it is weighed down by unrelated and uninteresting information about the antagonist. The film beings “in the not too distant future” where there is a new era of peace and understanding. This is all threatened by a maniacal Scotsman, McCullen (Christopher Eccleston). The film includes an inordinate amount of information about the antagonist’s family history, a large factor in the film’s dreadful opening. The first scene is of McCullen’s ancestor being tortured for treason by the French, an event that has driven him to try to take over the world.

McCullen has spent time and money developing a weapon called “nanomites” with the help of the disfigured scientist known as “The Doctor”. This new weapon eats through metal and destroys cities and cannot be stopped unless it’s aborted via a remote.  In a bizarre and idiotic plot development, McCullen’s company sells the weapon to the United States military and then steals it back to use on countries around the world. Of course this very action allows the Joes to know there is a plan in motion and leads to the megalomaniac’s downfall.

Two army buddies, Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans), are part of the convoy delivering the new weapons. During the process they are attacked by mysterious soldiers clad in armor and a sexy-vixen, who is also Duke’s ex-fiancé. They are only saved by the Joes who then admit them into the group to save the world from the impending disaster.  Through an entirely over-extended series of sequences the movie shows their training and explores specific Joes’ history. McCullen’s back story was really unnecessary and the intertwining nature of everyone else’s personal journey is more mindless nonsense.

G.I. Joe is an action movie. However, for some reason it takes the film a good hour to get into any sort of special effects driven action sequences. Most movie goers will see this movie (something I am not suggesting) only to see action scenes with big explosions, yet they hardly appear in the first half of the movie. When we finally get to the battles for the fate of the world, they are painfully silly.

Underwater?Space?

McCullen’s plan was to launch missiles with the nanomites at Moscow, Washington D.C. and Beijing from an underwater lair in the Arctic. When the Joes finally arrive to stop them, hilarity ensues. This of course was not on purpose, but the ridiculousness of the ending battle makes you laugh so as to not cry. Let me set the scene for you:

• The bad guys are in an underwater base that looks like it’s in space.
• This station has a giant canon that is whipping out attacking Joes in underwater craft.
• Joes infiltrate the base and disarm the cannon by disguising themselves as the armored foot soldiers.
• Two ninjas fight with katanas aboard the station near an electrified bottomless pit
• The real bad guy emerges in a mechanical mask which makes him breathe heavily and speak deeply.

Does this sound familiar? It should because it is almost exactly the sequence of events that occur during Star Wars: A New Hope. In that film there is a super weapon (the Death Star) that is infiltrated by rebels disguised as foot soldiers and is home to a light saber battle and to a heavy breathing, deep speaking, masked evil genius, Darth Vader.

Jedi Battle...er...Ninjas

The final battle was unbelievably unoriginal and completely unsatisfying. Unlike in Star Wars the special effects were cartoon like and the outcome did not garner any of the same jubilation. Needless to say, the evil plot is foiled, the guys get the girls they were going after, and they left the ending open for a sequel. God help us all.